chapter 3.

The woman that sits. Her name is Lizaveta.

Lizaveta stands up. She cries a tear because she is leaving the television.

Goes into another room and checks her email.

She has recieved an email from her brother Alex in St.Petersburg.

It says,

Dear, Lizaveta

I woke up as a hamster two weeks ago. Since then, things have gotten bad. All fifteen of my serfs working at the pizza shop have risen up against me. I do not understand it. I gave them $5.15 an hour. What more could they want.

I tried to calm them by starting an employee of the month thing, where I would give them a free pizza if they did their work. But that still did not satisfy them. I do not know what to do.

They are only jealous because I am a hamster.

My daughter has died of consumption. She spit blood all over the place, it was disgusting.

Your brother,
Alex

Lizaveta writes back:

Dear, Alex

I'm going to make a big bowl of cabbage soup. Then I will eat it. Then I will smoke cigarettes and drink Vodka. Do you remember when the tigers ate mother, and how when we lit her immobile body on fire, it burned bright. And we were fearful that that mommy might catch the house on fire. So we threw snow on her. Then she laid in the yard for several years. Then we made cabbage soup. And ate it. And smoked cigarettes and drank vodka. Do you remember little Alex. I remember.

My husband has drowned. After this email I'm going to find a website where a person can buy American Grooms. I would like an American Husband. An ex-college football player. With the American dollar so low, I think I can get one for cheap.

Your sister,
Lizaveta

Lizaveta then went to the website Americangroom.com and bought a young black man who played linebacker for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish for twenty rubles through paypal.

Lizaveta then went to the kitchen and made a huge pot of cabbage soup.