Tuesday, October 02, 2007


Chapter 1.
In a small house, on the frozen tundra of Northern Russia.

A man and woman sit, watching television.

Eating caribou hotdogs.

A man on comes on the television, he says, "Today, scientists found that there is a code in DNA that makes people want to stick their fingers in light sockets. It was proven with a set of twins in Omsk. Both of the children love to stick their fingers in light sockets. Coincendently that is the only thing the children can do to get their parents to even look at them."

The woman stares. She gulps vodka.

A commercial comes on. It tells the man and woman to buy soap, because they are dirty.

The man says, "You are a dirty skanky bitch."

The woman says, "Skanky what bitch?"

"A dirty skanky bitch."

"You have problems. You don't even know what a cup is."

"I know what a cup is."

"What's a cup?"

They argue like this for hours.

Nothing gets resolved.

The man thinks a cup is: Something people drink out of, and also something that expresses the need for abortion to be outlawed.

The woman thinks a cup is: Something that people drink out of, but most important it shows that gays have the right to be married and that terrorists are in America, and currently trying to take over Stalingrad.

The man shruggs his head and states with conviction, "A cup shows that Tolstoy was an asshole."

They both agree and watch a commercial about how they should buy this pill that will clean their colons of undigested fecal matter.

Chapter 2.
"I'm going out," the man says.

The man does not move.

"Buy me something," the woman says five minutes later.

They watch the TV. It is a movie about a party in Russia. They watch the movie for two-hours. The movie will not end for some reason.

"If I was at that party I'd do something," the woman says.

There is a commercial. They watch five minuts of commercials.

"I want to overturn a table at that party," the woman says. "I want a dress. I want a soft dress to sleep on."

The man has not talked for about three hours.

He is asleep and dreaming.

No one knows what the man is dreaming about. The man does not know. He wakes up.

"I'm going out," the man says.

"I want to have a party," the woman says. "Bring people here and we will have a party."

"I'm going outside to ride caribou," the man says.

"You're going outside to ride caribou," the woman says.

The woman cries. It is a very quiet and peaceful kind of crying.

The man goes outside.

A polar bear is walking at his cabin. He walks there and punches the polar bear. The polar bear claws him and leaves.

The man falls on the ground. He crawls and ice breaks and he sinks in the water. Bubbles come out of his mouth because he is saying something. No one knows what the man is saying. It doesn't matter. The bubbles are beautiful and a polar hamster is there and the polar hamster watches the bubbles and feels good.

chapter 3.
The woman that sits. Her name is Lizaveta.

Lizaveta stands up. She cries a tear because she is leaving the television.

Goes into another room and checks her email.

She has recieved an email from her brother Alex in St.Petersburg.

It says,

Dear, Lizaveta

I woke up as a hamster two weeks ago. Since then, things have gotten bad. All fifteen of my serfs working at the pizza shop have risen up against me. I do not understand it. I gave them $5.15 an hour. What more could they want.

I tried to calm them by starting an employee of the month thing, where I would give them a free pizza if they did their work. But that still did not satisfy them. I do not know what to do.

They are only jealous because I am a hamster.

My daughter has died of consumption. She spit blood all over the place, it was disgusting.

Your brother,

Lizaveta writes back:

Dear, Alex

I'm going to make a big bowl of cabbage soup. Then I will eat it. Then I will smoke cigarettes and drink Vodka. Do you remember when the tigers ate mother, and how when we lit her immobile body on fire, it burned bright. And we were fearful that that mommy might catch the house on fire. So we threw snow on her. Then she laid in the yard for several years. Then we made cabbage soup. And ate it. And smoked cigarettes and drank vodka. Do you remember little Alex. I remember.

My husband has drowned. After this email I'm going to find a website where a person can buy American Grooms. I would like an American Husband. An ex-college football player. With the American dollar so low, I think I can get one for cheap.

Your sister,

Lizaveta then went to the website Americangroom.com and bought a young black man who played linebacker for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish for twenty rubles through paypal.

Lizaveta then went to the kitchen and made a huge pot of cabbage soup.

chapter 4
The black man's name is G.J.

His dad is black and his mom is white and he is black.

G.J. is in his dormitory at college.

He is sitting with his friend. They are playing video games.

Two Russian boxers come in.

They punch G.J. and G.J.'s friend with poison gloves.

The gloves have poison and G.J. and G.J.'s friend pass out.

In Russia G.J. wakes up and falls out of a truck.

G.J. gets lost in the city.

G.J. does not know he is in Russia.

He thinks he may be in Vermont, or something.

A Russian boy calls G.J. a nigger.

The boy is seven.

He listens to the Wu-Tang clan.

G.J. ignores the boy.

There are more boys and some girls.

Eighteen boys and girls.

They all call G.J. a nigger.

G.J. bumps into some of the girls and five girls fall onto ice and the ice cracks and the girls sink.

A Russian boxer sees this and comes and hits G.J. in the head with a lead pipe.

It makes a normal sound.

G.J. falls and more ice cracks and G.J. sinks.

Somewhere else a man is fishing.

The man who is fishing is named Benny.

Benny catches a salmon.

Benny catches G.J.

Benny is alone in the tundra.

Benny pulls the black man onto the ice.

Benny lives in a cabin alone.

He is old and fishes everyday.

Benny has no friends or family.

They all went to America.

Benny pushes the black man back into the ice.

The black man sinks.

Lizaveta emails the groom company,

Where is my black man.

The groom company emails Lizaveta,

We sent the black man.

Lizaveta emails the company,

The black man is lost.

The groom company emails Lizaveta,

The black man is lost.

Lizaveta goes to the living room.

"The black man is lost," she thinks.

She sits down.

"I have frostbite," she thinks.

She does not have frostbite.

"The black man has frostbite on his penis," she thinks.

She laughs a little.

She watches a movie about talking dogs.

She makes potato soup and goes to sleep and dreams.

In her dream she has frostbite on her hair.

"We have to amputate your hair," the doctor says. "Or the frostbite will spread to your mouth."

She is confused for some reason.

"It just spread to the black man's penis," the doctor says.

There is a coffin.

She climbs in the coffin.

The doctor is angry. Very angry.

She climbs out of the coffin.

chapter 5.
Lizaveta gets out of the shower.

She is naked.

She looks at her body in the mirror.

She has a large chunk of cellulite on her thigh.

Lizaveta grabs the chunk of cellulite and laughs and says, "That feels cool."

She puts on her clothes. Goes outside and gets into her troika and rides to find her American.

She rides across the barren frozen tundra.

She thinks thoughts like, "I wonder if I sold my Elvis Collector's Edition Plates on ebay how much could I get-is grandma dead-I would enjoy a peach right now-I need to wash the whites-why is there so much concern about breast cancer shouldn't we be saving dicks too-oh no I forgot to take out the garbage."

She gets to Benny's cabin.

Benny is sitting on a wooden chair at a table eating cabbage soup. There is a fire, it is warming him. There are dead fish everywhere. It is stinking. Lizaveta stands there staring at his ugly face. She looks at the mole by his blue eye, the other one is brown. She looks at the brown eye. She cannot speak. She is befuddled by the mole and the brown eye.

Lizaveta speaks: What have you done with my man? I paid good money for that American. I had to sell my best horse Trixie to get that man. (Soft piano music begins to play, Lizaveta sits down, looks off into the horizon even though she is indoors and talks softly) When I was little, I used to watch American college football games, and see those Americans, those big strong Americans, and think all kinds of nasty thoughts. After father died I had nothing. I would think about touching them and straddling and pumping and pushing and raging small guerrilla wars on their football playing cocks. After mom got cancer we had to sell the estate and I would drink vodka and sing Early Beatles' songs. And I would think about their pelvic thrusts and long flicking tongues and big hands grabbing my hair and pulling. Soon the horse died and I forgot how to read."

Benny looks up from his cabbage soup and says, "I think he is underwater."

Lizaveta: You mean he drowned?

Benny: Hmm, would you like some salmon?

Lizaveta smacks the table and begins to cry.

Benny continues to eat his cabbage soup.

Lizaveta thinks about killing Benny, but realizes Benny brings her fresh dead salmon every Wednesday, and she likes Salmon.

So she gets back into her troika and rides home.

Chapter 6
At home Lizaveta sees a hamster.

"I am Alex," says the hamster.

"Alex," says Lizaveta.

"I want to open Domino's Pizza in Russia," says Alex the hamster.

"There was a time when Russia was green," says Lizaveta. "Rabbits ran through the green fields and jumped across rivers. They wore pink ribbons. Antelope leapt through fields and clouds. Rabbits clung to furry bears and bears petted the rabbits and smiled. Sheep leapt over cabins and laughed. Today sheep go, 'baaa baaa.' Today polar bears eat rabbits. My breakfast is potatoes. I wrapped a cabbage around a potatoe for dinner. I am afraid. Please open Domino's so that we may become rich and move to Easter Island."

Alex the hamster makes scratchy hamster noises.

"What are you doing?" says Lizaveta.

"I am crying," says Alex the hamster.

Lizaveta picks up Alex.

"I need to take a shit," Lizaveta says.

"Bring me please," says Alex the hamster.

Lizaveta shits gray hard shit.

Lizaveta flushes.

"I don't want to live anymore!" says Alex the hamster and leaps into the toilet and is gone.

"I will open Domino's pizza," Lizaveta thinks in bed five hours later.

"I do not know what Domino's pizza is," Lizaveta thinks.

chapter 7.
Lizaveta goes to the store.

She noticed that she can get two chocolate bars for 85 kopeks.

She gives the register girl a twenty ruble note and gets 23 chocolate bars.

The register girl has one eye. That eye does not move. It stares to the left. She has one arm. Her husband blew it off with a shotgun. She dances at night.

Lizaveta goes home.

Sits down, turns the television on. She watches a show about reality, with contesants from Siberia. They are strapped down, with their eyes stapled open. They are being screamed at by a man with red hair. The man looks like Anton Chekhov. He screams, "You are lying, you made this all up about loving your mother. I've met your mother, no one could love that bitch."

The contestant from Siberia cries.

Lizaveta eats one chocolate bar after another. The chocolate makes her almost smile, but doesn't.

She drinks vodka with her chocolate bars.

Her aunt comes over while she is eating chocolate bars.

Her aunt's name is Marya. Her aunt is 101 years old. She has facial hair and has lost most of the hair on the top of her head. The hair on her face is still there though. Her voice sounds like glass shattering and gravel being poured onto cement.

Lizaveta sits there watching the television.

Marya says, "When CZAR Nicholas was in power I ate cabbage soup, when Lenin was in power I ate cabbage soup, when Stalin was in power I ate cabbage soup, and now Putin. Still, I eat cabbage soup. Fucking shit bitches! I have been pathetic, lonely, and stupid for 101 years. No one has cared, I eat cabbage soup, then the sun sets, I eat cabbage soup and the sun rises. Cars go by, I look at them, they have no mufflers and it is loud. I have no teeth, my bottom lip can cover my nose. Sometimes when I'm alone, I cover my nose with my bottom lip and blow my nose into my mouth. It amuses me. Please don't think I'm disgusting, it tastes no worse than cabbage soup. Under Brezhnev I ate a potato. It was good. That potato was good. I've always had vodka though, the vodka has always been there to warm me."

Lizaveta says never looking away from the television, "Alex is dead."

Her aunt replies, "I met an American once, he came to my village and was taking pictures. He came up to me and said, 'stand there and look sad.' It was hard to look sad, I was very drunk, and felt kind of cheerful because the cabbage was fresh that day. But I went ahead and looked sad. He said, 'That is beautiful.' A year later I got a magazine with my picture on it. The magazine was called TIME, it said below my picture, 'WHY WE SHOULD BOMB THE DIRTY PINKO BASTARDS!' I did not know what that meant, I live on the frozen tundra. I'm just kind of cold."

For an hour there is silence.

Aunt Marya asks Lizaveta, "Can I have a chocolate bar?"

Lizaveta says, "No."

Then they just sit there watching television.

chapter 8
Aunt Marya has a stroke. She feels the stroke. It hurts. She is too tired to touch her chest or shoulder or to fall forward or whatever.

She closes her eyes and thinks about a potatoe and dies.

Lizaveta gets some cabbage. The chocolate makes her want some cabbage.

She chews cabbage and eats chocolate.

Soon it is night.

She stands up and walks to her bed and lies on her bed.

"Aunt Marya," Lizaveta thinks and gets up.

"Marya, go home," Lizaveta says.

She shakes Marya and Marya falls on the floor.

Lizaveta is tired. She turns on the TV.

She watches TV for three hours.

Marya crawls to the chair and sits. "I had a stroke," she says.

Lizaveta turns the volume up on the TV.

Marya asks for a chocolate bar.

Lizaveta turns the volume up all the way.

The TV falls on the floor and cracks.

"Oh, shit," Lizaveta says.

"Shit, shit, oh, shit," she says walking to her bedroom and lying on her bed. "Terrible, no. No, no, no." She falls asleep. In her dream she is a hamster.

She runs across the top of a lake in spring.

An eagle swoops down and eats her.

The dream continues and she is not a hamster or anything. There is just the scene of the lake in springtime. There are green trees. It is peaceful.

She wakes up and Aunt Marya is on the floor.

She has vomited chocolate on herself.

She is probably dead.

Lizaveta walks outside. She must go somewhere. It is snowing. A polar bear is there. She goes back inside and sits down and stares at the TV that is cracked on the floor. She can still hear TV shows coming out of it though it is silent. She watches the TV.

chapter 9.
Lizaveta looks at aunt Marya.

She thinks, "Soon she will be dead and the death rattle will take place, and there will be shit on the floor, and it will be horrible, and that will be life, and this sucks. I must do something with her."

There is still some life left in aunt Marya. She is almost totally paralyzed, but she still can say shit out of the corner of her mouth. What she says is muffled and there is slobber dripping out of the corner of mouth. She can also move her big toe on her left foot.

Lizaveta takes her boots and sweater off, because she likes them, and wants to wear them later.

Lizaveta gets a skateboard.

She flops aunt Marya's body onto the skateboard and ties her limp body to it.

Aunt Marya says out of the corner of mouth, "Bitch, I'm not dead."

Lizaveta puts her big coat on, puts on a snowcap and puts the hood over her head. She also puts on mittons.

She pulls aunt Marya out of the house by a rope.

Aunt Marya says, "Bitch, I'm not dead."

Lizaveta pulls her out onto the frozen tundra.

It is 3pm, the sun is out. The land is full of inertia.

Except for a bored caribou. Lizaveta lassos the caribou.

Aunt Marya says, "Bitch, I'm not dead."

Lizaveta punches the caribou in the ass, the caribou runs towards the east, to Alaska.

The caribou is running, aunt Marya is on the skateboard, that little corner of her mouth that can still move is smiling.

Lizaveta stands there.

She watches her aunt ride away only because the television is broke and she has nothing better to do.

A siberian tiger jumps out and pounces on the caribou, bites its neck, then suffocates it.

Aunt Marya has no idea why she has stopped. The skateboard has flipped over and now she lays face down in the snow.

The Siberian tiger eats the caribou.

Then it notices the limp worthless body of aunt Marya.

It goes over and begins eating her.

Aunt Marya wiggles her big toe as a last act of defense.

Aunt Marya says, "Under Brezhnev I had a potato," and dies.

Lizaveta stands there and watches the whole event.

When it is over.

She walks back into the house.

The television is broke so she turns on the radio.

She drinks vodka and listens:

Jackie Onassis is reading from the newly uncovered memoirs of Tolstoy: "I am Tolstoy, I wrote "Anna Karenina". No one has ever finished "Anna Karenina." Not one human has even attempted to read "War and Peace". But I have sold many copies, many many copies. Oprah loves me. Simone De Beauvoir does not. In "The Second Sex" she showed my wife's letters showing that I was an asshole and treated women like shit. Then in "The Coming of Age" she showed more of my wife's letters showing that was a homosexual and mean to my aging wife. And that I'm an asshole. I do not like Simone De Beauvoir. I do not understand other Russian writers, Gogol, Dostoevsky, Chekhov all wrote existential and thoughtful masterpieces. And people that are not idiots love them. I wrote religious garbage, and Oprah loves me. That is the facts, religious garbage rules."

Then a commercial came on: It is read by a very angry man, he is screaming, "You must eat Pavolich Cabbage! If you do not, you will be sent to Gulag, or even executed! All other brands of cabbage are bullshit! You hate mother russia if you do not buy Pavolich Cabbage!"

Lizaveta goes outside.

A polar hamster comes up to her. Then a polar scorpion bites it and kills it.

chapter 10
Lizaveta researches glaciers on the internet.

Soon she is a genius on glaciers.

She walks outside and jumps on a glacier.

She blows on the glacier and uses a TV antennae to create a hole in the glacier and she climbs in the hole and hibernates.

She wakes up and the glacier is on the beach on Manhattan.

There is a beach on Manhattan. It is on 29th street. You keep walking past 1st Avenue then Avenue A and B. It is there. You climb over the railing, there is a little gray beach with rocks.

Lizaveta wakes up on this beach.

There is a puerto rican swimming in the water. His passport is on the beach. He has a soccer ball and he is swimming and kicking the ball.

Lizaveta takes the passport and runs away.

The puerto rican is sad.

A shark eats him.

Lizaveta walks to union square and sits.

"Buy passport," she says.

"You Yugoslavian," says a homeless man.

Lizaveta stares at the homeless man.

Another homeless man comes.

The two homeless men play.

They play boxing.

It is fun.

Lizaveta smiles.

Everyone smiles.

It is a good day.

chapter 11.
Lizaveta walks into a porn store.

An Indian man walks up to her.

"Are you looking for a job?"

Lizaveta stares at him.

Lizaveta knows English because she was in the KGB and was once a maid in the white house. She is the one who alerted Castro of The Bay of Pigs Invasion.

The Indian man asks again, "Want job?"

Lizaveta looks at her shoes.

The Indian man goes, "Hey mother fucker, need work?"

LIzaveta looks up. Nods her head yes.

The Indian man walks her upstairs.

He says, "A man comes upstairs, he points at a girl. You go in the room, he stands behind glass. You stick your finger in your pussy and say dirty shit over a phone. He jerks off and cums on the glass. Then a man comes and cleans it. Good."

Lizaveta stares, and nods yes.

With her money she gets an Apartment on the upper east side.

No one is there, it is like The Frozen Tundra.

She is happy there.

She has a television.

A man lives with her named Julio.

They sit on chairs and stare at the television.

Julio says, "I am from Cuba and you are from Russia. We know what it is like to not own things. Now, I own my own socks. I own blue socks. I own green socks. I own even Christmas socks. I own many things. Like I own t-shirts and hamsters."

Lizaveta says, "You own a hamster, may I see it?"

Julio gets his hamster and brings it to her.

Lizaveta holds the hamster and says, "In The Frozen Tundra we have polar hamsters. They are white."

Julio says, "I own my television. There are many channels, I own them."

Sixteen hours pass in silence.

Julio says, "In America you have freedom of speech, do you want to say anything."

Lizaveta stares and goes, "What is Domino's Pizza?"

chapter 12.
"I am moving to Florida to start a hamster and rabbit farm," Julio says.

"I feed the rabbits," Lizaveta says.

"Be careful," Julio says.

"Why?" Lizaveta says.

Julio does not answer. He is thinking about the Bahamas.

"The farm is to get us to the Bahamas," Julio says. "Where we will eat grouper burgers. The goal is grouper burgers. Write that down."

Lizaveta writes it down, "The goal is grouper burgers."

"Read it out loud," Julio says.

"The goal is grouper burgers," Lizaveta says.

"Let's watch TV," Julio says.

They watch TV.

chapter 13.
Julio has been in bed for weeks. He spits blood, coughs, watches television.

Lizaveta takes care of him.

She brings him water and oranges.

Julio calls for his brother Tuco.

Tuco goes into the dark room. Tuco sits on a wooden seat holding his hat.

Lizaveta stands in the door.

Julio says to Tuco, "Brother I am dying. There is something wrong with my body, I will expire soon. Please give mother this note: The note says: Dear Mother, My brain has been exhausted. I cannot take the blood of the goat no longer. There are men who have come, they have come with guns. And put holes in me. They have taken my gold. I will be evicted. The blood of the hamster bleeds from my soul. My soul flies like doves and eagles and robins and blue birds mother. There are no sounds anymore. A dumb ackward silence pervades the land. A commercial comes on and tells me to buy soda. Another tells me to buy soap. Lizaveta cries at night drinking vodka. Remember during the Algerian War when they ripped my finger nails out. Remember the hot water. The white beaches and chupacabras. The chupacabra mother, have come for me. They are in New York City on the upper east side. Beware of the chupacabra."

Tuca reads the note and puts it in his pocket.

Julio goes on, "Brother, you must listen to me. I have buried the money in Florida. When I first came over. I buried it, I dug the dirt, and laid it down, and it is the ground. It is in Florida, beneath a Dominoe's Pizza. You must blow up The Dominoe's Pizza, then dig. Are you listening Tuco? There is another though. A dark other, who wears a black hat and Nike Airs. He has many guns and a big truck. He will ride from the west, and you and him and Lizaveta go with him. There will be time and a place and everything will happen for a reason and I love you because you are my brother and tell father I am sorry."

Tuco looks at his brother in silence still holding his hat.

Julio says his last words, "Take Lizaveta Tuco. She is a good woman. Her heart is in the right place, sometimes she will get drunk and throw things and break shit that is expensive. But we all do, so it is normal. Soon I will close my eyes, and be gone. That is fine. I am tired of watching of Seinfeld reruns."

Julio dies.

Tuco reaches over and pushes down his eyelids.

Lizaveta drinks Vodka.

Lizaveta goes into another room.

She comes back with a skateboard and rope.

Tuco looks at her and says, "What the fuck are you doing?"

"I'm going to tie him to the skateboard, then lasso a dog, and the dog will take him away."

Tuco looks confused but goes, "That sounds good."

chapter 14.
Tuco and Lizaveta go to St. Marks.

A hipster walks by.

"What the fuck is that?" Tuco says.

Moby walks by.

"Who the fuck is that?" Tuco says.

"Moby," Lizaveta says. She has seen the bald man on on Russian TV. He was on TV with Gwen Stefani wearing a fake animal coat and acting like an asshole.

"Let's follow him," Tuco says.

They follow Moby. Moby walks into a dark alleyway.

"Oh shit," Moby says, "I just walked into a dark alleyway without my bodyguards."

Tuco and Lizaveta corner Moby in the dark alleyway.

"Oh shit," Moby says. He pees in his hipster pants. The pee changes the pants' color to bright green because they are hipster pants and they change colors when warm liquid touches them.

"That is fucking stupid," Tuco says.

Lizaveta takes out a skateboard and a rope.

Tuco holds Moby and ties Moby to the skateboard.

They pull Moby to the beach and leave Moby at the beach.

"Oh shit," Moby says.

A cop sees Moby. Moby points at Tuco. They beat Tuco and put Tuco in jail.

Lizaveta runs away into a Kmart.

She touches a child's pajamas.

"Hey," a Kmart worker says.

"Hey," Lizaveta says.

"Hey," the Kmart worker says.

"Hi," Lizaveta says.

"Do you need help," the Kmart worker says.

"Hi," Lizaveta says.

They drag Lizaveta outside and kick her in the ass.

Lizaveta sits against the Kmart. People walk by and drop change on her lap.

chapter 15.
Lizaveta begins to walk.

She goes into the subway and takes The Path Train.

She rides it to Jersey City.

Lizaveta gets out of the subway and walks down the street.

A man walks up to her wearing an old purple leather coat with a fake fur collar. Gold rings cover each finger, gold necklaces and gold bracelets. And bright blue shoes.

His name is Limp Dixon. His heart is a dirty trench of slithering snakes, gargoyals, rats invested with the bubonic plague, hemmorrhoids, and ulcers. He spits on the homeless and shits on unwed well-fare mothers. He loves the phrase, "They should pick themselves up by their bootstraps." He reads Horatio Alger while masturbating. He has taken over four thousand personality tests on the internet hoping one doesn't say he is a raving lunatic narcissist, they all do though. He says that workers should be paid in script. He hates Woodie Guthrie and Bob Dylan.

Limp Dixon walks up to Lizaveta and says, "I want to make you a star, you are great, not as great as me, but still great. You will be a star."

Limp Dixon brings Lizaveta to a dark room and has her sit in a folding wooden chair. There is not even a television in the room.

Limp Dixon says to Lizaveta, "Soon you will be a star, I got you a big deal, you are going to be on a television show I'm producing. I will be back in an hour and you will be a star."

Lizaveta sits. She just stares.

An hour passes.

Limp Dixon returns.

Limp Dixon says, "I think two hours from now would be a better time for you to be a star, is that cool? Two hours is good right."

Lizaveta says, "Okay, two hours isn't bad."

Limp Dixon returns an hour later, "Oh, the time isn't right. Hold on. I have to take a vacation to South America. Is that cool, I'll be back in a week. Cool? Don't worry I know what I'm doing. My show is doing good, my show is awesome. Yours will be good too. Just give me a week."

Lizaveta stares and says, "That doesn't sound bad."

A week later:

Limp Dixon returns and says, "Oh, shit got fucked up. You need to wait a week, some things have gotten fucked up. It is somebody's else fault though. So don't worry."

Two months pass:

Limp Dixon shows up: "Listen Lizaveta, things have gotten fucked up again. I don't know what went wrong, it was somebody's else's fault though. Not mine. So don't worry."

Lizaveta says back, "I don't think you are going to make me a star Limp."

Limp Dixon says back angrily, "Listen mother fucker, I have been working 168 hours a week for you. 168 hours a fucking week, this is bullshit, YOU ARE INSANE! You are a raving narcissist crybaby!"

Lizaveta stands up and kicks Limp Dixon in the shins and leaves.

Limp Dixon sits in the corner of the room and calls his mom and says, "Mommy nobody loves me."

Limp Dixon's mom replies, "Neither do I."

chapter 16
Lizaveta walks to the chinese restaurant by Grove Street.

The chinese restaurant also sells Mexican food and calimari.

Lizaveta sits down and eats fried calimari.

A man comes in. He lays out porno videos on the bar table. He covers the entire table. He puts the porno videos back in his bag and leaves.

Lizaveta sees through the window a hamster across the street, walking back and forth on the sidewalk.

She goes to it.

The hamster walks and Lizaveta follows.

The hamster runs away.

"That's a white-tailed rabbit-dung eating hamster," says a shy homeless man quietly.

"Rabbit-dung eating," Lizaveta says.

"Rabbit-dung eating hamster," says the homeless man.

They look at where the hamster ran away, into a hole. They look for a very long time.

The homeless man is sitting and playing a guitar.

He puts his guitar in the guitarcase.

"Are you leaving," Lizaveta says.

The homeless man looks at Lizaveta's feet.

"Don't leave," Lizaveta says.

"Alright," the homeless man says. "I don't have anywhere to go anyway."

He takes out his guitar and plays purple rain.

When he sings he sings into the hole in the guitar.

Lizaveta watches and smiles at the man.

The man looks at the ground when he plays but when he sings he looks into the hole and sings into the hole.

chapter 17.
Lizaveta is sitting at a diner.

She is eating eggs.

A large fat man comes up to her and says, "Miss may I sit down?"

Lizaveta looks up.

There is no one there, but a fat man.

The fat man sits down.

Lizaveta continues eating.

The fat man speaks, "I was once a crack head. I smoked much crack. I would pay for crack with dimes. Dimes I tell you, dimes! Now I am over weight, I was much skinnier on crack."

Lizaveta responds with, "I am russian, I was once very cold. The cold is gone now. All is left is these eggs."



"That is so clever."

"So clever the children will die."

"And the fruits and veggies will rot."

"Yes, that clever."

"Earth shattering news."

"I am heart broken."

"The stream runs red with blood."

"The perch choke on the rocks."

"And the dead rise to find that what they believed only to be a lie."

"So let the dogs eat shit."

"Let blood run from my pussy."

"Let it all come down like rain and darkness and shadows from the hair of my asshole."

A hamster runs through the diner.

it stops and speaks, "The Rock, is like wind chimes, dingle ding."

The customers hold their breath.

Lizaveta looks at the fat man and says, "I think my left leg is broke and I need to shave it, I must go."

She runs out the door onto the street screaming words to a Metallica song.

Metallica shows up and charges her five dollars for screaming the lyrics.

Lizaveta cannot pay it.

So Metallica rapes her.

She does mind though.

One does not get to have sex with famous people everyday.

chapter 18.
Lizaveta is on tour with Metallica.

The guy from Korn goes backstage and rapes Lizaveta.

"I have money," the man from Korn says.

"Money is good," Lizaveta says. "Money is snail's paste."

"What did you just say," the man from Korn says.

"Money is snail's paste," Lizaveta says.

"That's right. Snail's paste."

The man from Korn goes into his van and writes a song called "Snail's death paste." He comes back to Lizaveta.

"I'll give you something," the man from Korn says. "I'll give you a wish."

"I wish for... to change my name," Lizaveta says.

"Your new name is Edgar Lutz," the man from Korn says, and puts his dick in Lizaveta's face. The man from Korn sings that MTV song while his dick is sucked. The man from Korn goes away.

"Edgar Lutz," Lizaveta says out loud.

"Hi," a teenager says to Lizaveta.

"I am Edgar Lutz," Lizaveta says.

"Oh," the teenager says and walks away into a mosh pit.

chapter 19.
Lizaveta is on painkillers.

She writes a political manifesto.

These are her words:

Now it is the time for the hamsters to RISE!

And take over the rhino bastards turd eaters!

The hamsters have been oppressed long enough!

The time is nigh for the rhinos!

We must get together and unite as


We must wear war make-up. I will paint my head BLUE!

The colors of the hamster flag, BLUE BLUE AND fuschia!

The rhinos have reigned and pillaged and raped our mothers and cousins long enough!

We must fight back against this dirty bastard!

The Rhinos don't know our power!

Our power comes from the hamster stone deep at the center of hamster mounain on hamster island in hamster triangle in the hamster ocean.

So gather your children and grandmothers and guns and beans and rice and pudding and condoms and all the shit that takes stupidity and madness and ugliness to be laid waste!

For we are the hamster clan!

Lizaveta raises a fist into the air and screams!

chapter 20.
Lizaveta is standing on a hill.

There are dead hamsters everywhere, it is terrible.

It is raining live hamsters.

When the hamsters fall they rush to the enemy and kill them.

The enemy is everywhere.

Lizaveta is screaming a war cry.


She runs down the hill and jump kicks a rhino.

An American comes out from behind a tree.

Fifty hamsters jump kick the American.

The American's heart falls out of his body.

A hamster eats the heart.

The hamster screams a war cry.


A hamster with a grenade blows itself up by accident.

Lizaveta jumps in a canoe and rows toward Easter Island.

chapter 21.
Lizaveta gets to Easter Island and realizes she needs a job.

She becomes a pizza delivery girl.

At work there is this guy named Jeff.

All he talks about is which areas tip and which don't.

What houses tip good.

How there are woman who want to have sex with him he delivers pizza to.

He constantly talks about the tips he has made. One day he said he made a hundred dollars, even though the average is $30, he somehow makes $100.

He constantly wants to know how you are doing on tips.

Jeff talks about how he wins at horse racing. Even though when you ask him if he betted online or on phone or something. he stares at you confused. Like the only thing you should have said back was, "You are a GOD, no man, you are GOD HIMSELF, you are I AM!"

One day jeff is talking to Lizaveta and several other pizza delivery people.

Jeff: Dude, I made like eighty dollars last night, it was awesome. Then I went home and bet on the horses and won like a 1000 dollars. I gotta go home man, will anybody work for me?

Lizaveta speaks, usually she never does, she just stares: Jeff.

Jeff: Yeah.

Lizaveta: I think you are so stupid you should take a test and see if the government will give you disability so us normal humans, don't have to deal with your stupid ass.

jeff: Dude that sounds like a great idea, how much do you think they will give me?

Lizaveta: I wish we were in a cowboy movie, if we were, I would shoot you like fifty times.

Jeff: So what did you get in tips tonight?

Lizaveta: I might kill you anyway.

chapter 22.
Lizaveta is depressed.

Someone broke in her car and stole all her CDs.

She walks onto the grass. She is hungry.

There is the Easter Island Statue. Lizaveta climbs it.

On top she sits and is bored.

She remembers the hamster war.

'What happened to all those hamsters,' she thinks. 'The sadness, the terrible sadness of battle hamsters.'

She rubs the statue's head and there is a trapdoor.

She opens the trapdoor and a hamster comes out. The hamster is wearing full body armor that shines. The hamster falls off the statue and on the ground it doesn't move.

'Is it dead?' Lizaveta thinks. 'Did it finally die or what?'

It is time to go to work. Lizaveta jumps off the statue and breaks her leg. She will not work today. A hamster walks in front of her face and she pets the hamster.

A man walks by.

'Asshole,' Lizaveta says. 'All humans are assholes.'

The man runs away.

A wave comes and takes Lizaveta into the ocean. When she wakes up, a six foot hamster is carrying her across a green field.

The hamster carries her into a dungeon.

In the dungeon are six assholes. They are all humans.

The hamsters are all rubbing their asses on the human's faces. The humans are tied to metal beds.

Chapter 23.
In Dungeon

Hamsters chew on human bellies

defecate bubble gum.

Lizaveta listens to hamster speak.

"The booweevil ate all my crops."

Lizaveta stares.

Julio visits through mystic herb.

Julio says, "If someone visits you with a large gun and tells you to bend over and pay taxes and harbor terrorists and says things like, 'If only for that sandwich and milk I would have graduated college.' Don't let them in. They are evil."

Lizaveta listens.

Lizaveta eats a doughnut.

Old white men named Elijah, Toby, and Kevin come into the room. They tell Lizaveta they want to make a movie of her book.

Lizaveta says, "I didn't make no book."

Tobey says, "I want to ride a horse in your twat."

Elijah says, "I want to become real little and get a dumb haircut and curl up in your twat."

Kevin says, "Meg Ryan is the best actor of all time."

They give Lizaveta a recorder to play. She fingers it.

Lizaveta makes notes.

She plays Iron Man by Black Sabbath.

chapter 24
Lizaveta wakes up to five emails.

One email is from Jonathan. Jonathan says, "Meet me at the playground. I got those wet hamsters you wanted."

Lizaveta goes to the playground. There are ten kids there. Five black kids. Four mexicans. One asian. The asian kid is digging a hole. The mexicans are running around in a field. The blacks are playing soccer.

Lizaveta watches this. She sits down and watches this. She lays down and falls asleep.

Chapter 25..
Lizaveta gets an apprenticeship as a shoe maker.

She makes shoes.

Big bright orange ones with tassels

and heart shaped dismal turds of HOBBIT LORE!!!

silver dandy legged spiders

arabesque drunk with high fever

eating mercury

a toad hops on the linoleum.

Spiders crawling, sounds like water droplets.

Bad music.

Lizaveta wakes up from nightmare.

Is in Nebraska.

Police talk of execution.

chapter 26
Lizaveta is in a death match with Barack Obama.

Lizaveta wields a heavy axe at Barack Obama. Obama dodges and throws a shuriken. The shuriken strikes Lizaveta in the face. Lizaveta runs away very quickly and quietly. Into a forest.

In the forest she comes upon a magical glowing hamster.

"I grant you three wishes," says the hamster.

The hamster levitates.

"Okay, let me think a second, just wait a second," Lizaveta says.

The hamster keeps levitating higher. "Oh shit," the hamster says. It levitates faster and higher and then it is gone.

Lizaveta is alone. She had wanted to wish for a nose job or maybe braces to fix her teeth. "My teeth fucked up," Lizaveta thinks alone in the forest.

Chapter 27.
Men come with machine guns.

The machine guns are pointed at Lizaveta's head.

Lizaveta looks up.

Lizaveta is not scared.

They notify Lizaveta that she is guilty.

That she is condemned.

Lizaveta is still not afraid.

They beat Lizaveta with clubs.

They sick wolves and rabid bunny rabbits on Lizaveta.

Lizaveta is still not scared.

They shock Lizaveta with tasers.

They spray her face with mace.

They put Lizaveta in a van and drive her to an unknown location.

On the way there fifteen men brutally gang rape Lizaveta.

They fuck her face, her twat and her asshole.

One soldier sticks his dick in Lizaveta's ear.

Her ear bleeds.

Lizaveta is still not afraid.

They bring Lizaveta into a building made of metal.

There are no windows to the building.

There are no doors either.

No one can get into the building.

And no one can get out.

All people and information are trapped inside the building.

There are snipers inside the building at the non-existent exits.

And there are snipers outside the building at the non-existent entrances.

Lizaveta is brought to a court room.

There is a judge and jury of her peers.

Lizaveta is not afraid.

The jury announces, "We find you guilty of not being afraid."

The judge announces the sentence, which is death.

Over six billion machine guns held by humans are pointed at Lizaveta's head and are fired.

Lizaveta dies not afraid.

The hamsters of the earth sing a song for Lizaveta.

Many hamster tears are shed.

The hamsters go to the metal building and retrieve Lizaveta's body.

The hamsters crying, moaning, bellowing bring Lizaveta's body back to the frozen tundra of Russia.

There are more tears.

Lizaveta's body is lit on fire.

The fire melts Lizaveta.

Her bones are left.

The hamsters make necklaces out of Lizaveta's bones.

chapter 28
Lizaveta walks up to God's house in heaven.

She uses the metal knocker. The knocker is hamster's nuts.

God comes to the door. It's an eight foot hamster.

"Hrrrff ff ffffff," says God.

Lizaveta says, "God is a hamster. God is an eight foot hamster."

God begins to nibble at Lizaveta's torso.

Lizaveta climbs God like a horse.

God runs around inside the house like a horse with Lizaveta on its back.

Lizaveta sees a painting of a blue whale, a painting of a battlefield of wild land hamsters fighting wild sea and air hamsters, and a painting of a baby jesus hamster.

God stops moving around and Lizaveta stands and looks at God's face.

God's face is scrunched up, it looks like he's about to shit.

God shits little hard hamster shits.

They look like small bowling balls.

Lizaveta sits down on a couch and watches.

Many shits come out.

Lizaveta keeps watching and then turns on the TV.

It is Wheel of Fortune.

Lizaveta likes Wheel of Fortune. She is happy.


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