chapter 9.

Lizaveta looks at aunt Marya.

She thinks, "Soon she will be dead and the death rattle will take place, and there will be shit on the floor, and it will be horrible, and that will be life, and this sucks. I must do something with her."

There is still some life left in aunt Marya. She is almost totally paralyzed, but she still can say shit out of the corner of her mouth. What she says is muffled and there is slobber dripping out of the corner of mouth. She can also move her big toe on her left foot.

Lizaveta takes her boots and sweater off, because she likes them, and wants to wear them later.

Lizaveta gets a skateboard.

She flops aunt Marya's body onto the skateboard and ties her limp body to it.

Aunt Marya says out of the corner of mouth, "Bitch, I'm not dead."

Lizaveta puts her big coat on, puts on a snowcap and puts the hood over her head. She also puts on mittons.

She pulls aunt Marya out of the house by a rope.

Aunt Marya says, "Bitch, I'm not dead."

Lizaveta pulls her out onto the frozen tundra.

It is 3pm, the sun is out. The land is full of inertia.

Except for a bored caribou. Lizaveta lassos the caribou.

Aunt Marya says, "Bitch, I'm not dead."

Lizaveta punches the caribou in the ass, the caribou runs towards the east, to Alaska.

The caribou is running, aunt Marya is on the skateboard, that little corner of her mouth that can still move is smiling.

Lizaveta stands there.

She watches her aunt ride away only because the television is broke and she has nothing better to do.

A siberian tiger jumps out and pounces on the caribou, bites its neck, then suffocates it.

Aunt Marya has no idea why she has stopped. The skateboard has flipped over and now she lays face down in the snow.

The Siberian tiger eats the caribou.

Then it notices the limp worthless body of aunt Marya.

It goes over and begins eating her.

Aunt Marya wiggles her big toe as a last act of defense.

Aunt Marya says, "Under Brezhnev I had a potato," and dies.

Lizaveta stands there and watches the whole event.

When it is over.

She walks back into the house.

The television is broke so she turns on the radio.

She drinks vodka and listens:

Jackie Onassis is reading from the newly uncovered memoirs of Tolstoy: "I am Tolstoy, I wrote "Anna Karenina". No one has ever finished "Anna Karenina." Not one human has even attempted to read "War and Peace". But I have sold many copies, many many copies. Oprah loves me. Simone De Beauvoir does not. In "The Second Sex" she showed my wife's letters showing that I was an asshole and treated women like shit. Then in "The Coming of Age" she showed more of my wife's letters showing that was a homosexual and mean to my aging wife. And that I'm an asshole. I do not like Simone De Beauvoir. I do not understand other Russian writers, Gogol, Dostoevsky, Chekhov all wrote existential and thoughtful masterpieces. And people that are not idiots love them. I wrote religious garbage, and Oprah loves me. That is the facts, religious garbage rules."

Then a commercial came on: It is read by a very angry man, he is screaming, "You must eat Pavolich Cabbage! If you do not, you will be sent to Gulag, or even executed! All other brands of cabbage are bullshit! You hate mother russia if you do not buy Pavolich Cabbage!"

Lizaveta goes outside.

A polar hamster comes up to her. Then a polar scorpion bites it and kills it.

chapter 8

Aunt Marya has a stroke. She feels the stroke. It hurts. She is too tired to touch her chest or shoulder or to fall forward or whatever.

She closes her eyes and thinks about a potatoe and dies.

Lizaveta gets some cabbage. The chocolate makes her want some cabbage.

She chews cabbage and eats chocolate.

Soon it is night.

She stands up and walks to her bed and lies on her bed.

"Aunt Marya," Lizaveta thinks and gets up.

"Marya, go home," Lizaveta says.

She shakes Marya and Marya falls on the floor.

Lizaveta is tired. She turns on the TV.

She watches TV for three hours.

Marya crawls to the chair and sits. "I had a stroke," she says.

Lizaveta turns the volume up on the TV.

Marya asks for a chocolate bar.

Lizaveta turns the volume up all the way.

The TV falls on the floor and cracks.

"Oh, shit," Lizaveta says.

"Shit, shit, oh, shit," she says walking to her bedroom and lying on her bed. "Terrible, no. No, no, no." She falls asleep. In her dream she is a hamster.

She runs across the top of a lake in spring.

An eagle swoops down and eats her.

The dream continues and she is not a hamster or anything. There is just the scene of the lake in springtime. There are green trees. It is peaceful.

She wakes up and Aunt Marya is on the floor.

She has vomited chocolate on herself.

She is probably dead.

Lizaveta walks outside. She must go somewhere. It is snowing. A polar bear is there. She goes back inside and sits down and stares at the TV that is cracked on the floor. She can still hear TV shows coming out of it though it is silent. She watches the TV.

chapter 7.

Lizaveta goes to the store.

She noticed that she can get two chocolate bars for 85 kopeks.

She gives the register girl a twenty ruble note and gets 23 chocolate bars.

The register girl has one eye. That eye does not move. It stares to the left. She has one arm. Her husband blew it off with a shotgun. She dances at night.

Lizaveta goes home.

Sits down, turns the television on. She watches a show about reality, with contesants from Siberia. They are strapped down, with their eyes stapled open. They are being screamed at by a man with red hair. The man looks like Anton Chekhov. He screams, "You are lying, you made this all up about loving your mother. I've met your mother, no one could love that bitch."

The contestant from Siberia cries.

Lizaveta eats one chocolate bar after another. The chocolate makes her almost smile, but doesn't.

She drinks vodka with her chocolate bars.

Her aunt comes over while she is eating chocolate bars.

Her aunt's name is Marya. Her aunt is 101 years old. She has facial hair and has lost most of the hair on the top of her head. The hair on her face is still there though. Her voice sounds like glass shattering and gravel being poured onto cement.

Lizaveta sits there watching the television.

Marya says, "When CZAR Nicholas was in power I ate cabbage soup, when Lenin was in power I ate cabbage soup, when Stalin was in power I ate cabbage soup, and now Putin. Still, I eat cabbage soup. Fucking shit bitches! I have been pathetic, lonely, and stupid for 101 years. No one has cared, I eat cabbage soup, then the sun sets, I eat cabbage soup and the sun rises. Cars go by, I look at them, they have no mufflers and it is loud. I have no teeth, my bottom lip can cover my nose. Sometimes when I'm alone, I cover my nose with my bottom lip and blow my nose into my mouth. It amuses me. Please don't think I'm disgusting, it tastes no worse than cabbage soup. Under Brezhnev I ate a potato. It was good. That potato was good. I've always had vodka though, the vodka has always been there to warm me."

Lizaveta says never looking away from the television, "Alex is dead."

Her aunt replies, "I met an American once, he came to my village and was taking pictures. He came up to me and said, 'stand there and look sad.' It was hard to look sad, I was very drunk, and felt kind of cheerful because the cabbage was fresh that day. But I went ahead and looked sad. He said, 'That is beautiful.' A year later I got a magazine with my picture on it. The magazine was called TIME, it said below my picture, 'WHY WE SHOULD BOMB THE DIRTY PINKO BASTARDS!' I did not know what that meant, I live on the frozen tundra. I'm just kind of cold."

For an hour there is silence.

Aunt Marya asks Lizaveta, "Can I have a chocolate bar?"

Lizaveta says, "No."

Then they just sit there watching television.

Chapter 6

At home Lizaveta sees a hamster.

"I am Alex," says the hamster.

"Alex," says Lizaveta.

"I want to open Domino's Pizza in Russia," says Alex the hamster.

"There was a time when Russia was green," says Lizaveta. "Rabbits ran through the green fields and jumped across rivers. They wore pink ribbons. Antelope leapt through fields and clouds. Rabbits clung to furry bears and bears petted the rabbits and smiled. Sheep leapt over cabins and laughed. Today sheep go, 'baaa baaa.' Today polar bears eat rabbits. My breakfast is potatoes. I wrapped a cabbage around a potatoe for dinner. I am afraid. Please open Domino's so that we may become rich and move to Easter Island."

Alex the hamster makes scratchy hamster noises.

"What are you doing?" says Lizaveta.

"I am crying," says Alex the hamster.

Lizaveta picks up Alex.

"I need to take a shit," Lizaveta says.

"Bring me please," says Alex the hamster.

Lizaveta shits gray hard shit.

Lizaveta flushes.

"I don't want to live anymore!" says Alex the hamster and leaps into the toilet and is gone.

"I will open Domino's pizza," Lizaveta thinks in bed five hours later.

"I do not know what Domino's pizza is," Lizaveta thinks.

chapter 5.

Lizaveta gets out of the shower.

She is naked.

She looks at her body in the mirror.

She has a large chunk of cellulite on her thigh.

Lizaveta grabs the chunk of cellulite and laughs and says, "That feels cool."

She puts on her clothes. Goes outside and gets into her troika and rides to find her American.

She rides across the barren frozen tundra.

She thinks thoughts like, "I wonder if I sold my Elvis Collector's Edition Plates on ebay how much could I get-is grandma dead-I would enjoy a peach right now-I need to wash the whites-why is there so much concern about breast cancer shouldn't we be saving dicks too-oh no I forgot to take out the garbage."

She gets to Benny's cabin.

Benny is sitting on a wooden chair at a table eating cabbage soup. There is a fire, it is warming him. There are dead fish everywhere. It is stinking. Lizaveta stands there staring at his ugly face. She looks at the mole by his blue eye, the other one is brown. She looks at the brown eye. She cannot speak. She is befuddled by the mole and the brown eye.

Lizaveta speaks: What have you done with my man? I paid good money for that American. I had to sell my best horse Trixie to get that man. (Soft piano music begins to play, Lizaveta sits down, looks off into the horizon even though she is indoors and talks softly) When I was little, I used to watch American college football games, and see those Americans, those big strong Americans, and think all kinds of nasty thoughts. After father died I had nothing. I would think about touching them and straddling and pumping and pushing and raging small guerrilla wars on their football playing cocks. After mom got cancer we had to sell the estate and I would drink vodka and sing Early Beatles' songs. And I would think about their pelvic thrusts and long flicking tongues and big hands grabbing my hair and pulling. Soon the horse died and I forgot how to read."

Benny looks up from his cabbage soup and says, "I think he is underwater."

Lizaveta: You mean he drowned?

Benny: Hmm, would you like some salmon?

Lizaveta smacks the table and begins to cry.

Benny continues to eat his cabbage soup.

Lizaveta thinks about killing Benny, but realizes Benny brings her fresh dead salmon every Wednesday, and she likes Salmon.

So she gets back into her troika and rides home.

chapter 4

The black man's name is G.J.

His dad is black and his mom is white and he is black.

G.J. is in his dormitory at college.

He is sitting with his friend. They are playing video games.

Two Russian boxers come in.

They punch G.J. and G.J.'s friend with poison gloves.

The gloves have poison and G.J. and G.J.'s friend pass out.

In Russia G.J. wakes up and falls out of a truck.

G.J. gets lost in the city.

G.J. does not know he is in Russia.

He thinks he may be in Vermont, or something.

A Russian boy calls G.J. a nigger.

The boy is seven.

He listens to the Wu-Tang clan.

G.J. ignores the boy.

There are more boys and some girls.

Eighteen boys and girls.

They all call G.J. a nigger.

G.J. bumps into some of the girls and five girls fall onto ice and the ice cracks and the girls sink.

A Russian boxer sees this and comes and hits G.J. in the head with a lead pipe.

It makes a normal sound.

G.J. falls and more ice cracks and G.J. sinks.

Somewhere else a man is fishing.

The man who is fishing is named Benny.

Benny catches a salmon.

Benny catches G.J.

Benny is alone in the tundra.

Benny pulls the black man onto the ice.

Benny lives in a cabin alone.

He is old and fishes everyday.

Benny has no friends or family.

They all went to America.

Benny pushes the black man back into the ice.

The black man sinks.

Lizaveta emails the groom company,

Where is my black man.

The groom company emails Lizaveta,

We sent the black man.

Lizaveta emails the company,

The black man is lost.

The groom company emails Lizaveta,

The black man is lost.

Lizaveta goes to the living room.

"The black man is lost," she thinks.

She sits down.

"I have frostbite," she thinks.

She does not have frostbite.

"The black man has frostbite on his penis," she thinks.

She laughs a little.

She watches a movie about talking dogs.

She makes potato soup and goes to sleep and dreams.

In her dream she has frostbite on her hair.

"We have to amputate your hair," the doctor says. "Or the frostbite will spread to your mouth."

She is confused for some reason.

"It just spread to the black man's penis," the doctor says.

There is a coffin.

She climbs in the coffin.

The doctor is angry. Very angry.

She climbs out of the coffin.

chapter 3.

The woman that sits. Her name is Lizaveta.

Lizaveta stands up. She cries a tear because she is leaving the television.

Goes into another room and checks her email.

She has recieved an email from her brother Alex in St.Petersburg.

It says,

Dear, Lizaveta

I woke up as a hamster two weeks ago. Since then, things have gotten bad. All fifteen of my serfs working at the pizza shop have risen up against me. I do not understand it. I gave them $5.15 an hour. What more could they want.

I tried to calm them by starting an employee of the month thing, where I would give them a free pizza if they did their work. But that still did not satisfy them. I do not know what to do.

They are only jealous because I am a hamster.

My daughter has died of consumption. She spit blood all over the place, it was disgusting.

Your brother,
Alex

Lizaveta writes back:

Dear, Alex

I'm going to make a big bowl of cabbage soup. Then I will eat it. Then I will smoke cigarettes and drink Vodka. Do you remember when the tigers ate mother, and how when we lit her immobile body on fire, it burned bright. And we were fearful that that mommy might catch the house on fire. So we threw snow on her. Then she laid in the yard for several years. Then we made cabbage soup. And ate it. And smoked cigarettes and drank vodka. Do you remember little Alex. I remember.

My husband has drowned. After this email I'm going to find a website where a person can buy American Grooms. I would like an American Husband. An ex-college football player. With the American dollar so low, I think I can get one for cheap.

Your sister,
Lizaveta

Lizaveta then went to the website Americangroom.com and bought a young black man who played linebacker for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish for twenty rubles through paypal.

Lizaveta then went to the kitchen and made a huge pot of cabbage soup.

Chapter 2.

"I'm going out," the man says.

The man does not move.

"Buy me something," the woman says five minutes later.

They watch the TV. It is a movie about a party in Russia. They watch the movie for two-hours. The movie will not end for some reason.

"If I was at that party I'd do something," the woman says.

There is a commercial. They watch five minuts of commercials.

"I want to overturn a table at that party," the woman says. "I want a dress. I want a soft dress to sleep on."

The man has not talked for about three hours.

He is asleep and dreaming.

No one knows what the man is dreaming about. The man does not know. He wakes up.

"I'm going out," the man says.

"I want to have a party," the woman says. "Bring people here and we will have a party."

"I'm going outside to ride caribou," the man says.

"You're going outside to ride caribou," the woman says.

The woman cries. It is a very quiet and peaceful kind of crying.

The man goes outside.

A polar bear is walking at his cabin. He walks there and punches the polar bear. The polar bear claws him and leaves.

The man falls on the ground. He crawls and ice breaks and he sinks in the water. Bubbles come out of his mouth because he is saying something. No one knows what the man is saying. It doesn't matter. The bubbles are beautiful and a polar hamster is there and the polar hamster watches the bubbles and feels good.

Chapter 1.

In a small house, on the frozen tundra of Northern Russia.

A man and woman sit, watching television.

Eating caribou hotdogs.

A man on comes on the television, he says, "Today, scientists found that there is a code in DNA that makes people want to stick their fingers in light sockets. It was proven with a set of twins in Omsk. Both of the children love to stick their fingers in light sockets. Coincendently that is the only thing the children can do to get their parents to even look at them."

The woman stares. She gulps vodka.

A commercial comes on. It tells the man and woman to buy soap, because they are dirty.

The man says, "You are a dirty skanky bitch."

The woman says, "Skanky what bitch?"

"A dirty skanky bitch."

"You have problems. You don't even know what a cup is."

"I know what a cup is."

"What's a cup?"

They argue like this for hours.

Nothing gets resolved.

The man thinks a cup is: Something people drink out of, and also something that expresses the need for abortion to be outlawed.

The woman thinks a cup is: Something that people drink out of, but most important it shows that gays have the right to be married and that terrorists are in America, and currently trying to take over Stalingrad.

The man shruggs his head and states with conviction, "A cup shows that Tolstoy was an asshole."

They both agree and watch a commercial about how they should buy this pill that will clean their colons of undigested fecal matter.